28 Oct 07

Dear Mum (Part 2)

Thanks for the birthday card and kind words. I received loads of cards. Please thank the blog readers for sending them. I’ve been re-reading them today, my birthday, and they’ve cheered me up. Next birthday I’ll be celebrating with my family.

I appreciate the motherly and protective concerns that you expressed in your last letter. I know that you worry because you care for me, but I think you are worrying a bit too much, and this is what is making you ill.

Max wrote from Las Vegas saying how well he is doing there, and how the things he had worried about before getting released didn’t even come to pass. You are concerned over how I’ll cope with freedom, but, like Max, I have a family and a home to go to, all of which will make rehabilitation easier. Many prisoners are released and have to survive on their own. For me coping applies to being in prison and dealing with daily hazards, such as striving to maintain health and sanity. I’m leaving all that behind and the coping skills I’ve learned in here will help me on the outside.

You are worried about my intention to isolate myself and concentrate on writing. You interpreted this to mean that if I’m around certain people, I’ll be tempted to get involved in the kind of things that led me to wearing pink boxers, and so to avoid temptation I’m going to cut myself off from everyone. I know you want the best for me, but your interpretation is wide of the mark. I don’t intend to cut myself off from everyone. I need to talk to and meet people. I hope, if I’m lucky, to go out on some dates. The shutting myself off you mentioned refers to my commitment to a disciplined routine, which I’ll need to further my writing.

Your concerns apply to the former me. My immature self had his wild-partying-oats-sowing days. Those days are long gone, and I’ve been forced to change and mature in prison. Such wild behaviour is far removed from my present persona. I’m driving myself forward and all the temptations in the world will not stop me.

You claim I’m unbalanced – ah! – you’ve got me there. Unbalanced, I am. But bipolarity can provide the energy needed to excel at things many people would give up on. Don’t worry, I intend to take breaks and have some fun, but I have no desire to revisit the excesses of my former life. And nothing or no one could ever influence me to do so.

You are also trying to soften the blow of my reckless behaviour by rationalising it away on the influence of my friends. But the truth is I chose those friends and chose to behave in that way.

My heart is now in the right place, so stop worrying because the former me no longer exists. Try to be happy for the new me who has so much to look forward to when he gets home.

Love you loads,

Jon

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