11 August 07

A Mad Beekeeper in a Quonset Hut

Usually Slope expresses his post-release plan in one sentence: “I’m gonna ride around on my motorceeckle, dawg.” But more recently, he said, “I’m thinkin’ about buildin’ a wall three-feet high, and groutin’ it out.”
“Grouting, what’s that entail?”
“Fillin’ it full of cee-ment and peestone. Then I’m gonna build a Quonset hut on it, and that’s gonna be my house.”
“Where at?”
“On a patch of dirt. I’m gonna get me a little garden goin’, some chickens, a coupla mean-ass dogs, and some bees.”
“Bees!”
“Yeah, they’re nasty little bastards but that’s probably why I like 'em. I can train bees to run right up in your asshole and sting your guts.”
“Does a woman fit into this picture?”
“She’d need to be able to chop wood, feed the dogs, and help take care of the garden. I ain’t had no pussy in twenty-five years, dawg. I ain’t gonna be manipulated by that little ol’ thang that smells like anchovies no more.”
“What about love and companionship?”
“God loves me. I’ll love my dogs, chickens, and honey bees.”
“And your motorceeckle?”
“That’s off the top, dawg. If I get married it’s gonna be to a 19 and 56 Harley Davidson Panhead.”
“You’re gonna marry your motorceeckle?”
“Hell yeah, as long as I act right it’ll be loyal to me.”
“Act right?”
“Oil changes, makin’ sure the bolts are right. She’ll never do me no wrong, and if she does it’ll be my own damn fault ’cause I forgot to pay attention to her. Trouble is I’m doin’ twenty-five to life, lifetime parole, dawg. I’m in the Ninth Circuit fightin’ it, but I can’t just have a motorceeckle waitin’ in the parkin’ lot for me to take off on. I can’t go to Triple T Truck Stop, grab somethin’ to eat, fill up the tank, and be gone.”
“So you’re gonna be a mad beekeeper in a Quonset hut?”
“Somethin’ like that. All you need in this world is a place to sleep, eat, shit, and to wash your goat-smellin’ ass in. What am I gonna do with five bedrooms and three bathrooms?”
“What about a plasma-screen TV?”
“Why? There’s a thousand things you can do without a TV.”
“I know.”
“I’ve only watched two programs this week. Both on elk huntin’. Somethin’ all y’all in England don’t have over there. The only thing England’s got goin’ for it is a boat to somewhere else.”
“Slope, don’t make me pull a Winston Churchill on your arse.”
“Prince of Wales more like.”

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Copyright © 2006-2007 Shaun P. Attwood