03 August 07

Xena & Slope (2)

“I’ll never go to England,” Slope said, “if they be givin’ motherfuckers ten years for little ol’ sacks of weed like they be doin’ here.”
“Weed offenders,” I said, “don’t get as much time as in America. And you’ll be pleased to know that Viagra is available over the counter.”
“That’s ’cause y’all ain’t got no lead in yer pencils.”
“You can’t get it up,” Xena said, “if all you eat is lentils. No wonder they name their deserts after penises. They need the Cult of Xena in England to learn how to have sex.”
“What are you two on about," I said. "Us Brits are known for being kinky.”
“You guys musta gotten too prim and proper. That’s why they’re sellin’ Viagra over the counter,” Slope said.
“I wanna getthafuck outta this country. I can’t stand all the damn rednecks and mountain men,” Xena said.
“They ain’t got no goddam Rocky Mountains in England," Slope said. "Only green hills, furry ones, and that’s from the mould that’s built up on all those fuckin’ prudes.”
“They don’t need mountains when they sell Viagra over the counter. Have you tried it, Jon?”
“Yes. A friend of mine, DJ Gary Menichiello, always had it. He broke me a piece off and said, ‘Take this. If you don’t need it, you’ll be a porn star.’ And sure enough, I’m driving home, and it starts rising up. Then it stayed up all day. I had real problems peeing, I had to lean against the wall and push my dick down.”
“Hell,” Slope said, “I can shoot some speed and get that. I don’t think I wanna try it.”
“Speed will ruin your sex life in the long run,” I said.
“I got me a whole sack fulla Viagra right below my wiener,” Slope said.

Will Slope’s love of speed necessitate he become a Viagra monster in his old age?

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