08 April 07

The Distaste Harboured By Two Tonys For Modern America

I asked Two Tonys what he meant when he said “the world is slowly becoming an insane asylum.”
“My point,” Two Tonys said, “ – to anyone who gives a flyin’ fuck – is that people have gotta start livin’ their own lives, and to quit wonderin’ whether Britney Spears or Paris Hilton are wearin’ panties or not. Motherfuckers seekin’ escapism oughta grab a good book, and they can start by readin’ the two Toms: Wolfe and Sharpe. People’s brains aren’t rollin’ right these days. They’re too plugged into shit like Entertainment Tonight, to see if Paris has her underwear on. It wasn’t always so fucked up as this. There was a time when families ate together, fathers worked, and mothers stayed at home. The milkman brought the milk right to your fuckin’ door and set it on the porch and nobody stole it. The newspaper boy put the newspaper on the doorstep and nobody stole it. Those were the good ol’ days – and they’re long gone now. It ain’t the same place.
Now we’ve got fuckin’ havoc. Everyone up on Capitol Hill is lyin’. Some of 'em are pokin’ page boys or coverin’ up for their chomo buddies who are fuckin’ around with page boys.
The good ol’ days of Harry Truman are gone, bro. The world is becomin’ an insane-asylum planet. And if by some chance we’re an experiment by aliens who planted us here to see howthafuck we’d turn out, the aliens have got endless shits and giggles lookin’ at us motherfuckers. It’s gonna get even worse if we bomb North Korea or Iran or anywhere else in Bush’s Axis of Evil. And we’ve got shithead congressmen like Tom Tancredo sayin’ we should bomb Mecca if al-Qaeda hits us again. Come on now!”
“So how do you keep your mind off the madness?”
“By takin’ responsibility for my fuckin’ life. Look, I’m a sixty-six-year-old motherfucker who doesn’t get out until the twenty-third century, but at least I have a fuckin’ life. I’m into what I’m doin’. Tonight, I’m gonna play a casino card game with Frankie. I’m gonna have me some pasta with marinara sauce. I’m gonna sit down and watch Michigan kick the shit outta USC at the Rosebowl. I’m gonna eat some chocolate-covered peanuts watchin’ Detroit play Dallas. The last thing on my fuckin’ mind is what kinda car Jay Leno is drivin’ or if Britney and Paris are wearin’ fuckin’ panties.”

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