22 Sep 08

Weird Al At Large

Weird Al - The most unlikely bank robber you are ever likely to meet. His true story of suicide by cop gives new meaning to the power of unchecked depression. His cutting wit would make a stoic monk giggle.

I called Weird Al at his apartment in Tucson where he is on parole.

“Greetings from your favourite Limey!” I said.
“I’ve got a joke I’ve been waiting to tell you,” Weird Al said.
“What is it?”
“What’s bald, lives in a garage – with an en suite bathroom of course – and worships me like a God?”
“That’s a tricky one, Al.”
“Yes, it’s you, the bloke!”
“Life in the garage is going pretty well actually. I haven’t had any urges to commit more crimes. How about you? Planning your next bank robbery?”
“I haven’t had any big urges to commit more crimes – short of killing maybe an Englishman. You’d better look out, I’m in the process of getting a new passport.”
“What did you do on your first day of freedom?”
“Watched the football and ate ice cream.”
“What flavour ice cream?”
“Moose Tracks.”
“What?”
“Vanilla with chunks of chocolate. Then I spent my first night sleeping on an air mattress in this apartment.”
“So how does freedom feel?”
“Well, it’s overrated. For example, every time I go to a restaurant or grocery store, everyone wants money from me.”
“At least your not on the dole. Are you going to get back into real estate investment?”
“It’s probably a good time to buy. All those fools who paid five-hundred thousand and their homes are worth three-hundred thousand are sucking the hind tit now.”
“Yes, I advised my aunt to sell short, and she made a killing last week.”
“You’ll have to show me how to sell short. I am a vulture.”
"We started out shorting Bank of America."
"That's my bank, you bastard!"
"The one you robbed?"
"Er...yes. Didn't they make short selling illegal?"
"Just bank stocks, so for my aunt, I'm shorting foreign telecoms into this suckers' rally. Are you still doing Siddha yoga and becoming more enlightened?”
“Yes, I just went to the local ashram. I’m more enlightened than ever. I was enlightened enough to come home today and eat Moose Tracks and watch a film. I also went to the library and read about what’s been going on with your blog.”
“What do you think of the Arizona Department of Corrections blocking inmates from writing to me?”
“They’ve gone way too far. But I don’t think it’s come from the top. I think it’s some asshole at Tucson prison that’s taken it upon himself to rewrite the United States Constitution. The funny thing is Dora Schriro [the prison director] prides herself on preparing inmates to be released into a country founded on free speech. Censorship policy may well prepare you for life in a Communist country, but not here. Dora Schriro should take time out – she teaches constitutional law at Arizona State University – to actually read the Bill Of Rights and Constitution herself. What exactly are they afraid of by stopping your mail? Obviously not the huge amounts of readily-available heroin in the prison. Obviously not the large number of Arizona prisoners dying due to a lack of competent medical care. Why don’t they correct these problems as opposed to censoring you away. The fact is DOC doesn’t do anything competently. Try as they might, Arizona prisoners will still do this despite anything they do. You know how inventive they are. I can think of at least a hundred ways around this. Since DOC is trying to ban you from the airwaves, may I suggest you reinvent yourself?”
“As what?”
“Bertie Wooster aka Hugh Laurie comes to mind. I’ll play the role of the all-knowing Jeeves aka Stephen Fry and we can use nice British sayings like ‘Toodle-pip!’ I also like the name Gussie Fink-Nottle.”
“Very good, bloke.”
“I’ve also discovered another new saying.”
“What is it?”
“Boner shrinker.”
“Oh dear. Have you used it yet?”
“No, but I’m working on it.”
“A final question: have you noticed any major changes in the world since you’ve been inside?”
“Yes! Young women everywhere are all wearing tongue piercings. I have had it confirmed by reliable unimpeachable sources as to why they are doing this, and I’ve taken it upon myself to personally thank each one of them for caring. I’m thinking of founding a non-profit organisation to help low-income girls get tongue piercings.”
“Good idea, bloke. Toodle-oo for now!”
“Yes. Toodle-pip, blokester!”

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Shaun P. Attwood