10 Mar 07

A Brief and Inconsistent History of a Beef Between Two Tonys and Wall Basher

Two Tonys came to Yard 1 to supervise the paint crew on the basketball court. With him from Yard 3 was Wall Basher, an inmate who has punched walls so many times his hands are deformed.
Someone snuck up behind Two Tonys and put their hands over his eyes.
“Whothafucks behind me?” Two Tonys said. “I know those fuckin’ hands. And I know that fuckin’ buffalo tongue.”
Two Tonys hugged Jim Hogg and said, “I heard you’ve been talkin’ a lotta shit about me. Is it true?”
“Yeah,” Jim Hogg said. “I always do.”
“That’s alright then,” Two Tonys said.
“Why doesn’t Wall Basher tell Jon about the time he fell out with Two Tonys?” Jim Hogg said.
“’Cause Wall Basher doesn’t know shit from shinola.”
“Sez who, motherfucker?” Wall Basher said. “You tell the story as a lie. It started in ’98 with Rob, my celly, bein’ in debt for three-hundred dollars, and the guys holdin’ me responsible. When Rob rolled up, I had to pay the debt. Three years later Rob shows up livin’ with Two Tonys. I tell Rob, ‘Hey, dude, you owe me three-hundred dollars and you’re gonna fuckin’ pay me.’ Then Tow Tonys comes flyin’ out the house sayin’, ‘You sorry-ass motherfucker, I’ll fuck you up - ’”
“Then Two Tonys really went off,” Jim Hogg said, “sayin’ he’s a killer, and nobody ain’t gonna do nothin’ to Rob. He said, ‘If you wanna fuckin’ piece of me, grab your shit and let’s go to the shower, and I’ll stab you, motherfucker. Does this big motherfucker think he can come up to my fuckin’ house and put his fuckin’ hands on me? Can I get some escina?’ Then everybody backed up Two Tonys and no violence happened. And Wall Basher and Two Tonys didn’t talk for a week.”
“Is that how it went down?” I asked Two Tonys.
“Is it fuck,” Two Tonys said. “Lemmetellya whatthafuck happened. This youngster, Rob, moves in my cell like a deer in the headlights. He’s gotta lotta cheddar, so I see a chance for me to get a few fifty-dollar store bags outta the motherfucker. Then this big-handed motherfucker, who’s been tryin’ to pick my pocket since he’s known me, steps on my game by comin’ up in my fuckin’ house and callin’ the kid out. The kid comes back with sad eyes and a sad look on his face, and says he’s bein’ extorted.”
“But I wasn’t tryin to get in your fuckin’ store bag!” Wall Basher said.
“So I say to Wall Basher,” Two Tonys said, ‘Whatthafuck are you doin’? Staythafuck outta my house! Don’t be tryin’ to shake down on my fuckin’ celly.’”
“That’s a crock o’ shit,” Wall Basher said. “Two Tonys let money come between our friendship.”
“Hey, Wall Basher,” Jim Hogg said. “Why don’t you tell Jon how you got your name?”

Coming soon: How Wall Basher mangled his hands.

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Copyright © 2006-2007 Shaun P. Attwood