15 August 06

Do I have a Haemorrhoid? (Part 4)

I ceased using the ointment, and hid it so that Frankie wouldn't find it.

"George," I said, “I’ve got a health problem you may be able to advise me on, but I don’t need it sharing with the rest of the yard.”
“And what would that be?”
“I have a small lump on my anus. I saw the nurse. They haven’t looked at it. I was given cream and I’ve been scheduled for a full exam next month.”
“Is it itching or bleeding?”
“Neither.”
“I’ve got some good advice for you.”
“What’s that?”
“Don’t tell Frankie.”
“I’ve only told you.”
“It’s probably a cyst. What we need to do is pop it and see what comes out. I’ll do it if you like. I’m used to seeing backsides. I used to pack them with cotton when I was a funeral director.”
“Mine is a little more alive than that, and what good would popping it be?”
“It’s similar to how you deal with a zit, except you normally lance a cyst.”
“I think I’ll give the popping a miss, otherwise I’ll end up at Medical witha bleeding behind."
“As pale as you are, I don’t think you have that much blood in you. And you certainly wouldn’t be the first in here to go to medical with a bleeding rectum. Mooga was up there with a bleeding ass all of the time.”
“Have a look at the cream, tell me what you think.” I took the ointment from its hiding place.
George examined the tube and fondled the intrarectal applicator.“How beautiful!”
“That thing isn’t going up my arse.”
“Why not? Bigger stuff comes out. What are you afraid of? You’re such a prude hiding this in your Kleenex box.”
“I’m trying to get some serious advice out of you, George. What if I’ve got cancer or something?”
“Well, usually cancer polyps are on the underside of the colon.”
“That’s reassuring.”
“That’s when they do a colonoscopy, and you can’t eat for a few days before it.”
“So what’s this rectal exam I’m scheduled for?”
“He’ll do a visual of it. If it looks serious, a hospital appointment will follow. That’s when the tubes, cameras, and lights come out. If he sees a suspected polyp, he’ll probably snip a piece off for a biopsy.”
“I doubt if it’s rectal cancer.”
“It’s always good to get it checked. Detected early enough, it is easily treated and got rid of. Look at Katie Couric. Her husband died of rectal cancer, so she had a colonoscopy live on The Today Show. It can be a very serious matter but highly treatable if caught early enough, but so many people are scared of someone looking in such a private place.”
“Thanks for the advice. I thought you were just going to rip me about it like you did with my scrotum situation.”
“I only made fun of the scrotum 'cause it was external and I had visions of one-ball Jon. Until we find out whether it’s serious or not, it’s nothing to joke about. If it turns out to be a haemorrhoid, the gloves are off, and I’ll make fun of your asshole. In the meantime, if you need help with the applicator, I’ll be only too happy to give you a helping hand.”


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