30th May 2007

Buggering a Blackberry with a Harley Piston

Circulating on the yard – thanks to Red – was a message from Slope: “Someone needs ta tell the goddam Limey to bugger his blackberry with a Harley piston.” The affront motivated me to go down to Yard 4 to see Slope.
“What’s this about buggering my blackberry with a Harley piston?”
“I wuz just feelin’ all patriotic,"Slope said. Like bashin’ you tea-and-crumpet-eatin’ motherfuckers. What do you guys do with that spotted dick anyways? Eat it or give it a jigger in your palms?”
“I feel the love, Slope.”
“From America with love, goin’ out to all of the spotted-dick-eatin’-fuckin’ weirdoes in the world.”
“What’s up with the Harley piston?”
“Shove it up your ass.”
“Lube or no lube?”
“You guys are crazy enough. You don’t need no fuckin’ lube.”
“Crazy! We of the tea and crumpets are known for being reserved. Americans seem to be a little crazier.”
“If Americans are the crazy ones, why are y’all tryin’ to buy up our motorceeckles, and come over here and live?”
“ 'Cause craziness can be fun.”
“Try and spill some crazy gas on yer thigh, and tell me it’s fun.”
“What are you on about?”
“It’ll give ya a rash. I’ve gotta hand it to the goddam Limeys for the Vincent Black Shadow though – helluva motorceeckle. Held the motorceeckle-land-speed record for forty fuckin’ years.”
“How long have you been down, Slope?”
“Twenty-three years, five months, and nine days.”
“Are you getting short?”
“I got a parole board in eighteen months.”
“If you get parole, you can become the militia man of your dreams.”
“No, 'cause it seems the CIA has a bounty on them now.”
“You could be a domestic terrorist armed with a Harley piston.”
“No 'cause the Homeland Security folks has a bounty on those.”
“I’ve got it.”
“What?”
“You can be an extra in movies like Deliverance.”

Coming soon: Slope threatens my 4th July meal.

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Copyright © 2006-2007 Shaun P. Attwood