30 Sept 07

From Suicide Prevention Aide to Tailor of Prison Panties

“What’s big and white and drips from the sky?” Xena asked.
“I don’t know,” I said.
“My kingdom come.”
“Oh boy,” I said. “What’s new with you?”
“I got put on thirty days LOP [Loss Of Privileges] and lost my suicide prevention aide job for callin’ a sergeant a bitch.”
“Do you miss your suicide prevention aide job?” I asked.
“No. I had to look inside people’s windows, which I really hated.”
“Do you have a job now?”
“My new job is makin' panties.”
“Good for you. Do you have orders?”
“A few.”
“Including Slope no doubt?”
“I think the redneck would put the panties on his head, fall asleep at night, and get in trouble when the graveyard-shift cop puts his flashlight to the window. But what’ll really fuck Slope up is when they find the bra around his ankles. He’ll say it’s a rubber band to keep his feet from kickin’ 'cause rednecks are always runnin’ from somethin’ in the middle of the night.”
“A reader asked me to ask you whether her and her prison boyfriend will stay in their relationship. She’s stressed and worried.”
“If she becomes Cult of Xena she’ll never have to worry about that again. You know why? In COX we don’t have relationships – we are relationships!”
“Any messages for COX members?”
“Be spontaneous, girls and boys. Especially you girls with the thing between the package. And you boys: as long as you got big breasts, you show 'em off. Stay fabulous and drink lots of water – 'cause it keeps you ample."

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