25 October 05

Psychotherapy With Dr. Allen (Part 2)

“You mentioned that being unable to reach your full potential in prison is a cause of anxiety. What did you mean by that?”
“I meant because I’m not in front of a computer, trading stocks, doing the work I enjoy the most, but, I have tried to compensate for that by developing other skills.”
“Do you feel that your behaviour in prison is similar to your hardworking self before your arrest?”
“Yes.”
“Describe a typical week before your arrest.”
“On weekdays I watched stocks and did online research. I mostly stayed at home with my fiancée, other than when we went to the gym, skating, and the Indian restaurant. I also went to Scottsdale Community College.”
“And what about the weekends?”
“I was a party animal, but I’d almost phased that behaviour out.”
“In my life, I like to spend a whole weekend day doing absolutely nothing, recharging from the stresses of the week.”
“At one time, the weekend merged into one day, a Friday night rave, and after-partying all day Saturday, a Saturday night rave followed by all day partying on Sunday, and sometimes we’d go to the Crow Bar on Sunday night.”
“How was that possible? How did you reconcile that with work?”
“I’d take a Xanax, sleep like a baby, and wake up crisp and fresh.”
“You’re describing two modes again: the party mode, and the reclusive hard worker. So in prison you are in the second mode?”
“Yeah, I’m studying, reading, and writing harder than I ever have before.”
“You said that you were phasing the partying out?”
“Yeah, I’d stopped hardcore raving years before my arrest. When Sammy the Bull lit the Arizona rave scene up, and attracted a bunch of undercover cops into the parties, I moved to Tucson, and tried to live a normal life. My stocks were doing well. Everything was going great.”
“Why did you move back to Phoenix?”
“Because I met, and fell in love with Claudia. We got a place together in Scottsdale. I only went to two raves in 2002. She wasn’t into the rave scene.”
“So you were settling down, and the party lifestyle was on its last legs, you almost had a normal life, and then you got arrested. Most people in that situation would feel bitter about that, yet you seem to take responsibility for what you did?”
“How can I not take responsibility? The wild times I chose led to my arrest. At first I was upset, because of the lies and sensationalization of my case. It was an eye-opener, learning about the crooks working for the system. Some of them are bigger crooks than the people being prosecuted. But now I don’t waste mental energy thinking about that. It’s counterproductive. The talents I’ve discovered, and the results I’m achieving make me think that everything is working out for the best. Perversely, I’m happy that I’ve gone through this because it’s enabling me to develop in different spheres.”
“How did things for you and Claudia work out after your arrest?”
“She visited me religiously for a year. Then she was indicted for a prescription pill found in our medicine cabinet a year earlier, so that meant she could no longer visit me in jail. She stuck with me for over two years, and helped me however she could, and was able to visit me again at Buckeye. My feelings for her grew but then she stopped visiting me earlier this year. I wrote about it in my journal, and I went through more heartache, and wrote her off. Oddly enough, I received a letter from her for the first time in months, last week, and she mentioned ‘getting back on track’.
“And how did that make you feel?”
“Confused. I’m telling myself to go with the flow, see what happens, and enjoy any visits, but to try not to set myself up emotionally again, so I don’t get hurt. Mission impossible, eh? Who am I trying to fool?”
“Sounds like you didn’t quite write Claudia off?”
“Hmm.”
"Do you miss raving?”
“I miss the music. I couldn’t listen to music for two years after my arrest because it made me sad. I don’t miss my behaviour. I see it as a phase in my life that I can look back on. I feel that until I was arrested, I hadn’t grown up. I was devil-may-care. With incarceration came enforced maturity. I’ve evolved into a more focussed person with wider interests than raving and trading stocks. Previously I would have mocked someone for listening to Vivaldi, or for doing yoga, and other things I enjoy now. I’ve changed a lot and I’m continuing to change and to learn. It’s as if an invisible hand put me here to get me back on track.”


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Copyright © 2004-2005 Shaun P. Attwood


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