07 Feb 06
Odds & Ends
Drunk on hooch and wielding a shank, a Chicano took control of our prison yard for a couple of hours. When the Strategic Response Team lined up and aimed their shotguns at him, he surrendered.
A clogged-up kitchen toilet caused our chow hall to flood with five inches of water and sewage. For one day, we ate at Yard 1's chow hall, while ours was drained and cleaned with dishwasher sanitizer.
We were recently allowed a one-time purchase of two pizzas for $10 each from Hungry Howies. I ordered a veggie pizza with green peppers on it, which, although cold by the time I received it, was appreciated.
Anyone who acted on my recommendations to purchase gold, copper, and oil has now made a fortune. My advice is to take some money off the table, as, short-term, the prices look overbought. Look at healthcare, biotech, nanotech and Asia for above average growth. I like Radvision (RVSN on NASDAQ) in the high teens.
Thanks for sending books. After I have read them, they are donated to the libraries here, so other inmates can read them.
I have applied to do Psychology 101, a correspondence course with Rio Salado College. I’d also like to do Modern Fiction.
My sister and father are travelling to visit me at the end of April. I’m excited about seeing them – especially my sister, Karen, who I haven’t seen for a few years
Email comments to writeinside@hotmail.com or post them below
Copyright © 2005-2006 Shaun P. Attwood
Jon's address
ASPC-Tucson
Santa Rita Unit
Shaun Attwood ADC#187160,
4-D-11, PO BOX 24406
Tucson, 85734, Arizona
U.S.A
Sunday, March 5, 2006
Saturday, March 4, 2006
05 Feb 06
Cult Of Xena (COX)
From the balcony in front of Frankie’s cell, Xena was preaching to a growing crowd of listeners: “Soon you will all be members of COX - Cult Of Xena!”
Frankie’s cell door opened and out came his cellmate, Speedy, who looked up at Xena and said, “Xena, will you breast feed me like a baby?”
Xena did a pelvic thrust, and said, “You can suck this nipple.”
A skinhead in the crowd glowered at Xena and Speedy, and said, “Fuckin’ queer asses.”
“You bald bastard,"Xena said. "You look like a penis. How about I tattoo a slit on your head and call you Xena’s forbidden?”
While Xena was ranting, Pops, looking like a frozen cadaver, shuffled along the balcony towards Xena, and said, “I told Queen Elizabeth Xena’s hung like a donkey, and she hasn’t been the same since.” With cane in hand, Pops did a little dance.
“This is Pops the stripper,” Xena said. “He started The Chippendales in the twenties. My grandparents used to get down at his show.”
Pops chuckled and ambled away.
Xena stepped in front of a youngster who was hurrying along the balcony, and said, “What do you know about COX?”
“Say what?” the youngster said, grinned, sidestepped Xena, and vanished.
The audience was still laughing when George appeared.
“Georgie,” Xena said. “Has the cold made your nipples hard?”
George raised his top, revealing his nipples.
“Do you wanna make your nipples bigger?” Xena said “Mine used to be really small until I started wrappin’ rubber bands around them.”
“My nipples are perfectly fine,” George said.
“You sound testy, George,” Xena said. “Haven’t you been spanked lately?”
“Last night, in my dreams, I was getting spanked by you, while I was rubbing Jon's head.”
“Last night, in your dreams,” Xena said, “did you rub Jon’s prostrate?”
“No, silly.”
“Have you ever rubbed someone’s prostrate while making love?” Xena said.
“No, slut,” George said.
“Have you ever licked butt, and rubbed someone’s prostrate at the same time?”
“Only yours, honey,” George said.
Xena turned, faced the crowd, and said, “Soon you will all be COX members, wearing white robes opened around the waist like gunslingers, and pink tutus and spandex tights.”
A guard shook his head at Xena.
Nodding at the guard, Xena said, “You too are a COX member. Don’t stress out, you’ll get your pink tutu tomorrow.”
The guard hurried away.
“When I tell you all to spread, spread real wide. Now spread 'em!” Xena said.
“You go girl,” Frankie said, emerging from his cell.
“See what I have to work with! That’s why I need enforcers.” Xena said. “Who wants to be enforcers and who wants to be spreaders?”
“Can I be a shooter?” a Native American known as Bobbus yelled.
“Yes, you can be a salad shooter,” Xena said.
“Put me down as a tosser then,” Bobbus said.
“I heard all about you and Yum-Yum,” Xena said to Frankie.
“Quit tellin’ on me, Englandman,” Frankie said.
“Was Yum-Yum pretty? Did she have tatas?” Xena said.
“Aw, man," Frankie said. “Yum-Yum looked and sounded like a girl. I woulda kissed the shit outta him. I shit you not. I woulda put some serious tongue in that dude’s mouth. Englandman knows, he used to watch me stroke it to Yum-Yum at the Madison St jail.”
“I lived next door to Yum-Yum,” I said. “Everyone was hitting on her, and Frankie was leading the pack.”
“Rec time is over. Lock down everybody. Rec time is over,” came the announcement over the speaker system.
“Rectum is over. Rectum is over,” Xena said. “Did everyone have a good rectum?”
Email comments to writeinside@hotmail.com or post them below
Copyright © 2005-2006 Shaun P. Attwood
Cult Of Xena (COX)
From the balcony in front of Frankie’s cell, Xena was preaching to a growing crowd of listeners: “Soon you will all be members of COX - Cult Of Xena!”
Frankie’s cell door opened and out came his cellmate, Speedy, who looked up at Xena and said, “Xena, will you breast feed me like a baby?”
Xena did a pelvic thrust, and said, “You can suck this nipple.”
A skinhead in the crowd glowered at Xena and Speedy, and said, “Fuckin’ queer asses.”
“You bald bastard,"Xena said. "You look like a penis. How about I tattoo a slit on your head and call you Xena’s forbidden?”
While Xena was ranting, Pops, looking like a frozen cadaver, shuffled along the balcony towards Xena, and said, “I told Queen Elizabeth Xena’s hung like a donkey, and she hasn’t been the same since.” With cane in hand, Pops did a little dance.
“This is Pops the stripper,” Xena said. “He started The Chippendales in the twenties. My grandparents used to get down at his show.”
Pops chuckled and ambled away.
Xena stepped in front of a youngster who was hurrying along the balcony, and said, “What do you know about COX?”
“Say what?” the youngster said, grinned, sidestepped Xena, and vanished.
The audience was still laughing when George appeared.
“Georgie,” Xena said. “Has the cold made your nipples hard?”
George raised his top, revealing his nipples.
“Do you wanna make your nipples bigger?” Xena said “Mine used to be really small until I started wrappin’ rubber bands around them.”
“My nipples are perfectly fine,” George said.
“You sound testy, George,” Xena said. “Haven’t you been spanked lately?”
“Last night, in my dreams, I was getting spanked by you, while I was rubbing Jon's head.”
“Last night, in your dreams,” Xena said, “did you rub Jon’s prostrate?”
“No, silly.”
“Have you ever rubbed someone’s prostrate while making love?” Xena said.
“No, slut,” George said.
“Have you ever licked butt, and rubbed someone’s prostrate at the same time?”
“Only yours, honey,” George said.
Xena turned, faced the crowd, and said, “Soon you will all be COX members, wearing white robes opened around the waist like gunslingers, and pink tutus and spandex tights.”
A guard shook his head at Xena.
Nodding at the guard, Xena said, “You too are a COX member. Don’t stress out, you’ll get your pink tutu tomorrow.”
The guard hurried away.
“When I tell you all to spread, spread real wide. Now spread 'em!” Xena said.
“You go girl,” Frankie said, emerging from his cell.
“See what I have to work with! That’s why I need enforcers.” Xena said. “Who wants to be enforcers and who wants to be spreaders?”
“Can I be a shooter?” a Native American known as Bobbus yelled.
“Yes, you can be a salad shooter,” Xena said.
“Put me down as a tosser then,” Bobbus said.
“I heard all about you and Yum-Yum,” Xena said to Frankie.
“Quit tellin’ on me, Englandman,” Frankie said.
“Was Yum-Yum pretty? Did she have tatas?” Xena said.
“Aw, man," Frankie said. “Yum-Yum looked and sounded like a girl. I woulda kissed the shit outta him. I shit you not. I woulda put some serious tongue in that dude’s mouth. Englandman knows, he used to watch me stroke it to Yum-Yum at the Madison St jail.”
“I lived next door to Yum-Yum,” I said. “Everyone was hitting on her, and Frankie was leading the pack.”
“Rec time is over. Lock down everybody. Rec time is over,” came the announcement over the speaker system.
“Rectum is over. Rectum is over,” Xena said. “Did everyone have a good rectum?”
Email comments to writeinside@hotmail.com or post them below
Copyright © 2005-2006 Shaun P. Attwood
Wednesday, March 1, 2006
02 Feb 06
Odds & Ends
My bleeding eyeball has made a full recovery. I’m unsure of the cause, so, as a precaution, I’ve dropped my headstand time from fifteen to five minutes.
Ashtanga yoga has become a bigger part of my daily practice. This particular type of yoga involves a swift series of poses, with each pose flowing into the next. I’ve also been doing lots of sun salutations.
According to kitchen workers, the kitchen is infested with cockroaches and it has to be periodically bombed with chemicals to keep the cockroach population down. A kitchen worker disclosed that recent ceiling repairs dislodged a mouse cemetery, causing the food-preparation area to be showered with decomposing rodent parts. Apparently, we all got a little extra something in our soup because the kitchen contractor (Canteen Corporation) refused to recook our food.
Under the new reclassification system, I should be moved to a minimum yard this summer. Will being moved put my anal virginity in less of a danger? Maybe not, because Frankie, has been reclassified to minimum, and he expects to be moved before me.
The transition of the inmate store to Keefe Kitchens continues to cause inmates needless hardship. Items we are still unable to buy include underwear, prestamped postcards, international stamps, replacement shaver heads, and replacement light bulbs for reading lamps.
T-Netix continues to overcharge for prison collect calls. To save money, family members and friends of prisoners here may want to look into purchasing a remote call forwarding Tucson number through a local phone company, or, more expensively through www.inmatephoneservices.com/.
I received a letter from Mark, my former cellmate at the Madison Street jail. Mark was sentenced to five years probation, five hundred hours of community service, and he received a fine of $13,600. Mark’s crime was being asleep in a car when someone got shot. For two years of monthly court appearances finally resulting in a plea bargain, his family suffered various hardships and had to sell their home. Mark, who had worked for the State, is now having difficulty finding employment because of his record, and his mother is struggling to pay his fine. On a more positive note, Mark wrote: “I have this really hot Mexican chick teaching me Spanish.”
Thanks for the books, comments, emails, letters and occasional (mostly Cockney) slander. I’ve recently received books from Mary in NC, Luke and Michael in AZ, Nancy in Liverpool, Sandrine in Paris, Misty in NY, Gavin in Toronto, Terry in Hants UK, and Eric in MA.
Good lookin’ out, dawgs!
Email comments to writeinside@hotmail.com or post them below
Copyright © 2005-2006 Shaun P. Attwood
Odds & Ends
My bleeding eyeball has made a full recovery. I’m unsure of the cause, so, as a precaution, I’ve dropped my headstand time from fifteen to five minutes.
Ashtanga yoga has become a bigger part of my daily practice. This particular type of yoga involves a swift series of poses, with each pose flowing into the next. I’ve also been doing lots of sun salutations.
According to kitchen workers, the kitchen is infested with cockroaches and it has to be periodically bombed with chemicals to keep the cockroach population down. A kitchen worker disclosed that recent ceiling repairs dislodged a mouse cemetery, causing the food-preparation area to be showered with decomposing rodent parts. Apparently, we all got a little extra something in our soup because the kitchen contractor (Canteen Corporation) refused to recook our food.
Under the new reclassification system, I should be moved to a minimum yard this summer. Will being moved put my anal virginity in less of a danger? Maybe not, because Frankie, has been reclassified to minimum, and he expects to be moved before me.
The transition of the inmate store to Keefe Kitchens continues to cause inmates needless hardship. Items we are still unable to buy include underwear, prestamped postcards, international stamps, replacement shaver heads, and replacement light bulbs for reading lamps.
T-Netix continues to overcharge for prison collect calls. To save money, family members and friends of prisoners here may want to look into purchasing a remote call forwarding Tucson number through a local phone company, or, more expensively through www.inmatephoneservices.com/.
I received a letter from Mark, my former cellmate at the Madison Street jail. Mark was sentenced to five years probation, five hundred hours of community service, and he received a fine of $13,600. Mark’s crime was being asleep in a car when someone got shot. For two years of monthly court appearances finally resulting in a plea bargain, his family suffered various hardships and had to sell their home. Mark, who had worked for the State, is now having difficulty finding employment because of his record, and his mother is struggling to pay his fine. On a more positive note, Mark wrote: “I have this really hot Mexican chick teaching me Spanish.”
Thanks for the books, comments, emails, letters and occasional (mostly Cockney) slander. I’ve recently received books from Mary in NC, Luke and Michael in AZ, Nancy in Liverpool, Sandrine in Paris, Misty in NY, Gavin in Toronto, Terry in Hants UK, and Eric in MA.
Good lookin’ out, dawgs!
Email comments to writeinside@hotmail.com or post them below
Copyright © 2005-2006 Shaun P. Attwood
Sunday, February 26, 2006
31 Jan 06
Fish Survival Guide
A fish is a new prisoner, usually someone unschooled in prison etiquette. If you know someone who is heading to prison for the first time, you may want to send them this guide. It could save that person’s life. This survival guide was compiled with the help of Xena who is aware of dozens of people who have been smashed, stabbed or killed for violating these guidelines.
1. Stay out of debt – especially drug debts. If you use drugs, know how to pay for them. More people die from being unable to pay drug debts than for any other reason.
2. Know who the gang members are in your race, and know what their rules are. There are two sets of rules: Department of Corrections' rules and the political rules enforced by the gangs – play them in conjunction. For example, befriending someone from another race may get you smashed. Click here to see a video of an Aryan Brother slaying a prisoner who crossed the gangs.
3. Don’t flash money or property around. Most inmates have little or none, and will take yours if they can. If you have money, help your indigent friends, especially with hygiene products. If you have no cash, get a job or try private enterprise (drawing and tattooing are common).
4. Do not be perceived as being friendly with prison guards, or you may be suspected of snitching, which can get you killed. If you know a guard prior to coming to prison, keep it secret.
5. Do not talk about people unless they are present. Do not whine or complain – especially around lifers – or you may get smashed. Don’t lie, and always keep any promises you make. If you’re a short-timer don’t talk about it. Don’t ask people how much time they are serving, or for why. Wait until you get to know them and they are comfortable around you, if you want to ask these questions.
6. Don’t act like a big shot unless you can fight. Bear in mind that if someone challenges you, and you don’t fight, you may be perceived as weak and be taken advantage of by others.
7. Don’t show weakness or let your emotional barrier down. Especially youngsters, who can easily become extortion and rape fodder for the hardcore. Never cry.
8. If you are gay, stay in the closet unless you are prepared to fight people who will want to stab or rape you. If you are openly gay, find a man with power who can protect you.
9. Don’t become obese or you’ll be perceived as unhealthy and weak, to be preyed upon. In prison, more people work out than in any other society.
10. Learn prison slang. Beware of becoming a "torpedo" – usually a youngster manipulated to smash (beat up) someone so that the manipulator doesn’t get his hands dirty. Beware of someone doing an "okey-doke" on you – for example, an inmate lying to you about being called a punk, so that you will fight his enemy. Beware of becoming a "trick-bag" – being manipulated into saying something offensive to another, not realising that you were being insulting.
11. Stay hygienically clean. Being dirty is considered disrespectful, especially to your own race.
12. If you practice a minority religion, you may want to keep it secret rather than risk being smashed.
13. Don’t cut your life short by contracting a deadly disease from using dirty tattoo instruments or syringes. If you have to inject drugs, bleach the works first.
Click here for my jail survival tips.
Click here to watch my jail survival tips video.
Email comments to writeinside@hotmail.com or post them below
Fish Survival Guide
A fish is a new prisoner, usually someone unschooled in prison etiquette. If you know someone who is heading to prison for the first time, you may want to send them this guide. It could save that person’s life. This survival guide was compiled with the help of Xena who is aware of dozens of people who have been smashed, stabbed or killed for violating these guidelines.
1. Stay out of debt – especially drug debts. If you use drugs, know how to pay for them. More people die from being unable to pay drug debts than for any other reason.
2. Know who the gang members are in your race, and know what their rules are. There are two sets of rules: Department of Corrections' rules and the political rules enforced by the gangs – play them in conjunction. For example, befriending someone from another race may get you smashed. Click here to see a video of an Aryan Brother slaying a prisoner who crossed the gangs.
3. Don’t flash money or property around. Most inmates have little or none, and will take yours if they can. If you have money, help your indigent friends, especially with hygiene products. If you have no cash, get a job or try private enterprise (drawing and tattooing are common).
4. Do not be perceived as being friendly with prison guards, or you may be suspected of snitching, which can get you killed. If you know a guard prior to coming to prison, keep it secret.
5. Do not talk about people unless they are present. Do not whine or complain – especially around lifers – or you may get smashed. Don’t lie, and always keep any promises you make. If you’re a short-timer don’t talk about it. Don’t ask people how much time they are serving, or for why. Wait until you get to know them and they are comfortable around you, if you want to ask these questions.
6. Don’t act like a big shot unless you can fight. Bear in mind that if someone challenges you, and you don’t fight, you may be perceived as weak and be taken advantage of by others.
7. Don’t show weakness or let your emotional barrier down. Especially youngsters, who can easily become extortion and rape fodder for the hardcore. Never cry.
8. If you are gay, stay in the closet unless you are prepared to fight people who will want to stab or rape you. If you are openly gay, find a man with power who can protect you.
9. Don’t become obese or you’ll be perceived as unhealthy and weak, to be preyed upon. In prison, more people work out than in any other society.
10. Learn prison slang. Beware of becoming a "torpedo" – usually a youngster manipulated to smash (beat up) someone so that the manipulator doesn’t get his hands dirty. Beware of someone doing an "okey-doke" on you – for example, an inmate lying to you about being called a punk, so that you will fight his enemy. Beware of becoming a "trick-bag" – being manipulated into saying something offensive to another, not realising that you were being insulting.
11. Stay hygienically clean. Being dirty is considered disrespectful, especially to your own race.
12. If you practice a minority religion, you may want to keep it secret rather than risk being smashed.
13. Don’t cut your life short by contracting a deadly disease from using dirty tattoo instruments or syringes. If you have to inject drugs, bleach the works first.
Click here for my jail survival tips.
Click here to watch my jail survival tips video.
Email comments to writeinside@hotmail.com or post them below
Saturday, February 25, 2006
29 Jan 06
A Shane Day
“What did you do today?” I asked Shane.
“Hmmm, let me think," Shane said. “I woke up fifteen minutes before breakfast, and had a smoke and a cup of coffee before chow. I graced you and Weird Al with my presence at breakfast, and taunted Al about his Jewish diet – something I’ve recently become obsessed with doing.
I spent the morning doing what I do best: loitering in front of my cell, or hanging out in my cell reading or doing legal work. Now that your good ol’ mum and dad have gone, I no longer have to keep an eye out for would-be looters intent on ransacking your cell.”
“And a good looter preventer you were!”
“Also, this morning, I plotted my next tactics against ValueOptions. I’ve been slightly manic the past couple of days, but I’ve been much worse. It’ll pass – as always.
I wrote a letter twice and threw it away. I couldn’t get the right words out. I’ve been trying to write it for a few weeks now. Maybe tomorrow.
At dinner, I dined with you and Al, and pointed out the deficiencies of Al’s Jewish diet – strictly for Al’s benefit of course.
Then I paid you an evening visit for some conversation – but the cell doesn’t look the same without all of your Christmas cards. I love shiny things! I must comment though on your visitor’s area: the dirty sheet your celly left on your sofa – that’s gotta go. What would your mum say?”
Email comments to writeinside@hotmail.com or post them below
Copyright © 2005-2006 Shaun P. Attwood
A Shane Day
“What did you do today?” I asked Shane.
“Hmmm, let me think," Shane said. “I woke up fifteen minutes before breakfast, and had a smoke and a cup of coffee before chow. I graced you and Weird Al with my presence at breakfast, and taunted Al about his Jewish diet – something I’ve recently become obsessed with doing.
I spent the morning doing what I do best: loitering in front of my cell, or hanging out in my cell reading or doing legal work. Now that your good ol’ mum and dad have gone, I no longer have to keep an eye out for would-be looters intent on ransacking your cell.”
“And a good looter preventer you were!”
“Also, this morning, I plotted my next tactics against ValueOptions. I’ve been slightly manic the past couple of days, but I’ve been much worse. It’ll pass – as always.
I wrote a letter twice and threw it away. I couldn’t get the right words out. I’ve been trying to write it for a few weeks now. Maybe tomorrow.
At dinner, I dined with you and Al, and pointed out the deficiencies of Al’s Jewish diet – strictly for Al’s benefit of course.
Then I paid you an evening visit for some conversation – but the cell doesn’t look the same without all of your Christmas cards. I love shiny things! I must comment though on your visitor’s area: the dirty sheet your celly left on your sofa – that’s gotta go. What would your mum say?”
Email comments to writeinside@hotmail.com or post them below
Copyright © 2005-2006 Shaun P. Attwood
Sunday, February 19, 2006
26 Jan 06
The Tarantula Police
“What’s that?” asked a female guard upon seeing Xena playing with Dawg the tarantula.
“A spider,” Xena said.
“Well lemme see it. You know I’m gonna hafta take that.”
“Oh well!” Xena said.
An hour later the guard returned with a sergeant, and a massive guard carrying a white bucket to put Dawg in.
“I heard you’ve got a pet in here,” the sergeant said.
“Yeah,” Xena said in a sad voice.
“Let's see it then,” the sergeant said.
Xena opened his hand and revealed Dawg.
Upon seeing the tarantula, the guards backed away a few steps.
The big guard looked at the sergeant and said,“Sarge, do you wanna put the spider in the bucket?”
The sergeant shook his head.
Xena kissed Dawg’s hairy body, and said, “Bye-bye, little Dawggy. I love you! I’ll see you again in our next lives, I promise.” Xena stepped forward to put Dawg in the bucket, but the guards backed away again. Xena tried once more. The guard held the bucket out at arm's length and Xena put Dawg in it. “Will you set my spider free someplace like the farm area, so he’ll have a chance to survive?”
“I don’t think we have the time to go to the farm,” the sergeant said. “It’ll be easier for us to go to the control room and flush it down the toilet.”
The guards laughed and left.
Later on I asked Xena, “How do you feel now that Dawg's gone?”
“Like shit. I’m very upset – like a woman with PMS.”
Email comments to writeinside@hotmail.com or post them below
Copyright © 2005-2006 Shaun P. Attwood
The Tarantula Police
“What’s that?” asked a female guard upon seeing Xena playing with Dawg the tarantula.
“A spider,” Xena said.
“Well lemme see it. You know I’m gonna hafta take that.”
“Oh well!” Xena said.
An hour later the guard returned with a sergeant, and a massive guard carrying a white bucket to put Dawg in.
“I heard you’ve got a pet in here,” the sergeant said.
“Yeah,” Xena said in a sad voice.
“Let's see it then,” the sergeant said.
Xena opened his hand and revealed Dawg.
Upon seeing the tarantula, the guards backed away a few steps.
The big guard looked at the sergeant and said,“Sarge, do you wanna put the spider in the bucket?”
The sergeant shook his head.
Xena kissed Dawg’s hairy body, and said, “Bye-bye, little Dawggy. I love you! I’ll see you again in our next lives, I promise.” Xena stepped forward to put Dawg in the bucket, but the guards backed away again. Xena tried once more. The guard held the bucket out at arm's length and Xena put Dawg in it. “Will you set my spider free someplace like the farm area, so he’ll have a chance to survive?”
“I don’t think we have the time to go to the farm,” the sergeant said. “It’ll be easier for us to go to the control room and flush it down the toilet.”
The guards laughed and left.
Later on I asked Xena, “How do you feel now that Dawg's gone?”
“Like shit. I’m very upset – like a woman with PMS.”
Email comments to writeinside@hotmail.com or post them below
Copyright © 2005-2006 Shaun P. Attwood
24 Jan 06
"How
Email comments to writeinside@hotmail.com or post them below
Copyright © 2005-2006 Shaun P. Attwood
"How
Email comments to writeinside@hotmail.com or post them below
Copyright © 2005-2006 Shaun P. Attwood
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)